Hating the question ‘How have you been?’
why be so broad. if you were my friend. you would not start with this question.
dealing with the public sucks. i was so crushed the other night by something a client of mine said that i conidered, if only for a second, to change industries and get the fuck out of beauty.
how can people be so heartless with what they say. I am a good massage therpist, and it shows by how many return request clients i get every week, JUST for massage. This one lady was shitty and didnt think about the impact of what she was going to say before she said it, like i was just a servent, not a person, and my feelings wouldnt be effected. like any good therepist i responded professionally and let the client win as they always must. but i had to leave the room and run to the staff room shaking and call andrew as to what my next plan of action should be, as my mind wasnt letting me think at all about anything other than ’ you are a shit therapist’.
Another therapist had to go back in to finish her treatment, as i was obviously inadequate.
i took it hard and am still having nightmares about the situation. but am slowly getting over it. how dare she. its no ones right to fuck with someone elses self esteem, on purpose. get off your high horse and look around, people are trying to do their bloody best for you. People who are in the public service industry know what i am talking about. People, be polite, be patient, if you can, and HELP the person to do BETTER, not give up altogether.
Now, I am not a bad massage therepist, i have a lot more to learn thats for sure, but i enjoy the pain of massaging someone, because yes, it IS painful for me, but i battle through to give you people your relief. I wasnt to be respected, not treated stupidly and rudely because I am ‘young’.
This lady in question has hurt me, but im sure she went home that night, and knew that, and pondered on that, and felt bad about that, and regretted that, and when she comes back into the salon for her next treatment, i will not look at her. I will let her subtly know she has lost the respect of one more person in the world, and I will refuse to do another treatment on her, be it massage or anything else, and politely put her with someone else. To let her know, SHE is not good enough to be worked on by me. and she will be at a loss, not me.
My flaws. My honest flaws. By me.
I guilt people, particularly boyfriends, when they can’t hang.
I get really moody.
I give up on important conversations, and jus zone out some times.
I get anxiety over nothing.
I’m needy. I hate showing it though so i rebel against the feeling and seclude myself, which makes me depressed. And needy.
I am up when Im doing well at work and happy, and down and pessimistic otherwise. This leads me to hate work.
And spend 3 days a week at home, rather than commiting full time and going the real world.
I stress about how others see me. I want to be myself and not care but deep down I care about everything, it’s only rarely when I’m on holidays or traveling that I get to forget about everyone I know and what they think, and the anxiety is gone.
I forget things. A lot. As my bf often reminds me.
I over think things.
I can’t make decisions by myself, I need other variables to stear me towards something. I feel trapped by this. The need to make everyone else happy before I care for myself and what I want to do and where I really want to go.
I regret things. For a long time.
I remember fights, and play them over in my head, many times.
I think too much about loss. And the people I’ve lost. And the family I’ve lost, and the people who I’m going to lose.
Which makes me either feel really alone and grasp for attention, or run away from caring about those people and just segregate myself to forget.
I want too much. And don’t know how to get it. Because im lazy.
I hate love. And love it.
I hate Andrew. And love him.
I get depressed to much.
When I hear a car pull up, I assume. And I shouldnt. Because when the person inside it is not here for me, my heart drops.
I zone out. I have patches of the day where I have no thoughts and am so dull I could bore the grass.
And at nighttime I talk in my sleep. To clients. Because work gives me anxiety.
Anxiety that their brows will turn out alright, anxiety that they will like their spray tan, anxiety that they will come back and complain and ask for their money back, anxiety that in their head they are thinking ‘here she goes, she’s gonna try and sell me something”
I am impulsive. If I don’t want to talk anymore, I have to get off the phone NOW, and will usually be so angry il tell people. Which is rude. But I find it hard to care about how people feel when I truly am angry at someone.
I am often reminded of lists of other flaws I have, by a certain someone, but these are the ones I will own up to. Thank you for making my night wonderful Andrew. Grr.
Its very clear to me that I’m not who I used to be. Which in some cases is a very good things. But days like today and yesterday, I feel the old Lucy creeping back in, the dull cow eyes. The boredom.
Really vibin with these lyrpics right now.
I’ll hold your hand when you are feelin’ mad at me
When the monsters they won’t go
And your windows won’t close, I’ll pretend to see what you see
How long I say how long Will you relive the things that are gone
Oh yeah the devil’s on your back But I know you can shake him off
And every day that you want to waste, That you want to waste,You can
And every day that you want to wake up, And you want to wake, You can
And every day that you want to change, That you want to change, Yeah I’ll help you see it through 'Cause I just really wanna be with you
You know it’s funny how freedom Can make us feel contained
When the muscles in our legs aren’t used to all the walkin’
I know if you could snap both your fingers then you’d escape with me ,But in the meantime I’ll just wait here and listen to you when you speak Or scream
The truth cuts us And pulls us back up
And separates the things that look the same
But you can fight it off, You can fight it off ,You can
And every day that you want to waste ,That you want to waste, You can
And every day that you want to wake up, And you want to wake, You can
And every day that you want to change, That you want to change ,Yeah I’ll help you see it through 'Cause I just really wanna be with you
What do you do when you have secluded yourself so much, how do you get back out there? How do you get back into what you used to love?
I always do this. Devote myself too much to one person, and when they’re gone, a part of me is too. I said I wouldn’t do this but he is all I want to see.
He makes things better when they’re shit, he’s an outlet.
And he also shits me up the fuckn wall. But what else do I have. I have done this to myself.
A lot of interior juggling going on. It brings me to tears so often nowdays. Unpredicted.
I always get way to excited about things, and then when they actually eventuate, the excitement is better than the event or thing. Its a bad habit of mine. Just like me over analyzing every situation. Does this look good? what will people think? how do i act more professional, maybe i should LOOK like everyone else? Does she hate me? Do we still click? Does he even care? Why does my best friend never call me, its always the other way around.is it me?
Which party to go to? Will i be hated if i don’t go to both? Can i just go to neither? No, of cource you cant lucy, you know how guilt works. Should i get a phone plan? then im stuck, and HAVE to keep a job, I cant just piss off around aus or another country for a bit. Am i just a copycat? Why do i feel slightly better when I have something everyone has, and i fit in, when I actually loathe conformity?
My mind is crazy. Hushhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh
So infatuated right now. I just want to see him all the time, and talk to him, and hold his attention. Maybe its the hormones. Who knows. It will sound like a total girly thing to say, but when this boy smiles, like genuinely smiles, just at me, or because of something ive done, or because im being a tool, or because hes really excited about something, it makes me MELT. i just want to GRAB him! be close to him! hes MINE! gosh i sound like a fucking girl.
Were in a good place at the moment. In love again.
Missing jazzy a lot. England is so far away. Its so far logisticly, and even in my mind, its a whole other world, a whole other part of my life. I miss is, but i love australia, and andrew. ive been thinking that id really just like to live there for 6 months. I told andrew this and just said ‘theres no way we could be together if I went’ which he took pretty well and just said he wants me to do everything that I want to do.
I want to travel with him. anywhere. just going through the same stresses, the same excitement, the same discoveries. would be amazing. making decisions together, where to camp, what to eat, what night things to go to, where to go next. Im excited just thinking about it. I feel i will be waiting a while though, hes not in a place to travel.. or wont be for 4 years. Sad face. how dedicated am I? How grounded am I? How much am I willing to give up?
Love is amazing, but I still do feel the need to explore and be free. Feeling much like another good friend of mine felt once upon a time. You want to stay because its so good, but theres so much else to be had!
Just very happy at the moment. I have a party this weekend, getting a spray tan tonight, and tinting my hair lilac, have ordered a new iphone, and a cool cover for it, and also getting hair extentions for the first time, so not like me! I sound like a total materialistic barbie in that last paragraphh, but i feel like its fun to have a few knick knacks under my belt, a show of all my hard work at the salon, and also staying grounded with my friends and my eldest sister and jazzy and andrew:)
I will make this weekend wonderful.
What do I want. Fuck. How does this end? I feel a bit like lockie, it’s been nearly a year, were happy enough, I can see us doing the same happy family shit somewhere down the road and having a normal relationship if we wanted. I feel like our lives are already mapped out. I’m bored. I want to have things to look forward to. And things in common that we want to go out and do. And energy. And spontanaity. No money is not the end of life. You can get around other ways, and do things that don’t cost money to have fun doing. I wish he loved the beach more. He is who he is. I am no person to change that, and I respect that he has all his own choices and likes and dislikes. I just wish they mimicked mine a bit more. It’s nice to like different things sometimes too, gives the other person a view of new things, maybe that’s what I can offer. To show him some new stuff that I like to do and hope he likes them:)
How to put this. I’m sitting on seaford beach and have had a realization. This pier and cafe and beautiful arcitecture are so stunning, yet I can imagine If I was here all day, most days, it would become boring, normal and plain scenery. Something beautiful and unique will ultimately become normal and boring if one spends too much time around it. It loses it’s touch. It’s excitement. It’s beauty. Sometimes you need to take a step back, and then come back, to apreciate the full beauty. When you look at something too long, you find imperfections.
Maybe that’s why I feel like this, maybe that’s what me and andrew did wrong. We are just around each other too much. And the time we DO spend together has lost it’s beauty.
I was so stressed the other night Andrew actually couldnt take it. he couldnt work out what was wrong with me, neither could I, just one of those days where its everything, and everything seems like it has to be done then and there or its the end of the world, i just couldnt relax. I am suprised he didnt get freaked out by it.
I remember the mood. I remember another time I was in that mood. With sam. I was depressed and moody and stressed and bored all at the same time, I was snappy, i didnt think about what i was about to say, and i just wanted to be a sook.
I dont want to be like that ever again. Andrew hates it. I hate it. it puts both of you in a whirlwind of a bad mood and nothing gets fixed.
I feel like i am in a definite routine now. And it focuses around one other person, not just me.
I get lonely realy easy now. five minutes alone sometimes is too much. im like a sd puppy, bored and moody. Its a shit way to be, i realise this, but what do i do? before christmas i didnt really see anyone, now after christmas i have hardly seen anyone at all except workmates, james once or twice, and andrew and his family.
Mum hates it, other friends are starting to hate it, Jaz has always hated it, and some nights, i hate it, i feel like saying ‘andrew dont you have anything else to do but see me, play COD, and drink?”
but that would be heartless of me.