What a wonderful night, a roast dinner at home, a cruisy chatty drive to acland street, a late coffee and cake, jumping into a warm bed, and then having your boyfriend say “yay we got to bed early! now i can talk to you for an hour before sleep” Like we hadnt just been talkn n joking all night already! i think he just wanted a little bit more of my attention, seeing as were on pretty damn good ground at the moment. Such a change from the other night, yet thats always how it seems to be, when forced to decide what you really wqnt to hold onto, you can shift the whole world in a moment if you decide you have to. I changed my mood, and took a night off from boy, and got back on the bike- twice, and got on with being who I WANT to be.

I love cuddling after lights out. I started to drift off a bit, boy was cuddling me, and we were talking about something, i forget what, something random, then things got quiet, and his lips were at my ear, it felt like… just…peace.

I said something bold. The words sounded so real when they left my mouth. Because they actually were. I even suprised myself. I have never EVER felt like this with a person. It took another very lovely lady letting me know her envy of my situation to realise just how good my situation really was. And I just had to share it, I had to say te biggest words I could, the words I was so terrified to say, to let him know how freakn important he is to me. The day was nothing special, I was not like I had been planning it, or waiting for the ‘right time’… it just came out.

To anyone who really knows me, you will understand how much the words scared me.

I will only say them when I feel I truly can justify saying them. They are big words. And mean a lot more than the love you feel for someone, they are an indication also of my OWN fears being let go, so i can only say them too when I am feeling fearless.

He hugged me tight, and then tighter. I love his hugs. So genuine. Not to be taken for granted. I am so happy to wait for times like these, when he hugs me THAT tight.

I sound so mushy and romantic, but it was just so simple and genuine, all because it was so unplanned, or un thought of. No expecations were crushed because I had made none. It was near perfect.

And then what a horrible moment for me to start coughing and spluttering, damn sickness, ruined the mood lol, I turned the light on and sat up and he rubbed my back to help.

He told me to leave the light on, he said he liked looking at me, and that he wanted to remember what I looked like just then. pretty simple. just honest and simple.

So I did, and we cuddled, and then he sat up over me and held my face and kind of just stared at me. It was very cute.

But I had to laugh.

It was just,like, so movie-like!but absolutely real, he wasnt faking it or doing it because he wanted me to think he was all romantic.  I stopped laughing.

I think we were both just pretty damn happy. And I’m ok that he didnt say it back, thats not what I was out for, only to let him know how important he is and how much I admire him and that is all. And just like that, it was light out, and off to sleep, playing spoons again. Out of all cuttlery, I love spoons the most now.

Thankyou boy for this wonderful memory.

I don’t knwo what to make of last night. I feel so horrible and embarassed at the thought of it. Boy and I went to gold class at southland to see a movie, all was well I thought. We held hands, we kissed hands.
We walked home, and apparently on the way I was being a big bitch, I don’t reca how, and neither could he, he said he just felt it. So we came to a halt out the front of my house to talk about thongs, yes we had been bickering that morning.

I don’t have the brain capacity to write this fully right now. Just so bummed and depressed.
I’m becoming less perfect to him every day that were together.

I need to sort my own head out first. Before I inflict my bad mood and feelings upon him
again. He doesn’t HAVE to listen to me, he chose to, and now it’s bumming him, so hold it in.

Thismorning has already been so stressful, it wouldn’t have been so hard with a bit of communication! It’s 6 months today since I asked Andrew out, and thismorning he was suposed to be in cranny by 750 am so I decided that I would just have to get ready for work at home and walk to the bus stop by the same time. Of cource,this didn’t work due to Andrews lazyness in the morning, there’s no ‘get up an go! ’ attitude here! It was very stressful watching him do everything so lazily and casually when I KNOW he can make food and scoff it within 5 minutes! So the plan was wake up at 650 and get out of the house by 710 so that I could be home by 720 and then have 30 mins to do what I needed AND make the ten min walk to the bus stop and be there calmly and on time. We didn’t leave the house til 738. So frustating. And Andrew blamed EVERYONE but himself. Which I hate. When you’re wrong just take the fucking blame! Thismorning was not how I would have liked our 1st major anniversary to be, bickering in the car. Hopefully we can make it better tonight. I will be staying at mine. No way that I am going to be stressed trying to get to work tomorow! I hve to take control and do what I KNOW is right not what I just want to do. I have 4 weeks til I leave, I need as much money and as little stress as I possibly can. Today will be a good day, just smile and get on with it:)

I need to talk to someone. A councellor or something. I have to do this do not chicken out.

best video!

so ready to just float away for a while… 4 weeks to go.

im being a big bitch tonight and i just dont know why.

i assumed that he wasnt continuing his cutting back of cigaretes because he wasnt wearing a nicabate patches. i didnt even believe him when he said he was using the gum.

that was totally rude. no wonder hes being defensive and moody now. no faith lucy, no faith.

i made a bery bold addmission to james tonight, we talked a lot about love and what it is and how do you know what TYPE of love you feel for a person. it was a very helpful conversation. just ro even get the word out to james, when i have been holding it in for weeks, avoiding the word.

Very confused and angry at myself tonight.

I cried in your arms the other night. I felt so vulnerable, you held me tight, SO tight, TOO tight, squeezing the words and tears from me. I missed my dad. No one can imagine, or at least few can.. Sometimes even I don’t know how I feel about it. Some days it is forgotten. 

And then some nights it is remembered, and it was oh so good to have you upon that night. 

I wanted to say the words. But it may have just been the euphoric comfort I felt from your grasp. I musnt let girlyness take over my mouth.

Thankyou boy. You are very special to me.

Researching my next tattoo.  Excited but anxious.

This lady named B. Dunlap does amazing caligraphy that is really inspiring me right now. Google her.

I so badly want to move out, to have a place of my own, somewhere that is beautiful, creative and inspiring. I want to go to England to stay, I want to commit to a job for more than 6 months and still enjoy it, and I want to save my ass off and maybe combine the two dreams.

What do I want. Its the hardest question to answer when asked to answer it and yet when I am not pressured I can come up with a million oppertunities and lives I could lead. What about Andrew? would he follow me? I think not, and I would never expect him to, his life is here, we ARE still two seperate people, I need to remember that. I dont want to forget myself, and forget what I want. I love going to laurens house, my getaway, things are so real and fun there, and generally just wherever I go with her.

She opens doors, and puts things into perspective, and puts my things into words, things I didnt know how to, our situations always sound SO similar, so unbeleivably similar, yet I feel stupid to say ” I know how you feel’ as it sounds kind of fake and ungenuine. i can just sit and listen to her problems and in turn she teaches me more about myself and my own situation, and seems to just organise my head.

The tought of anything happening to her absolutely shakes me, I tear up.

Im sad to say the same reaction does not apply when I replace her with my other sister, Whih is sad.

We had a good chat about steph last night, and I am happy that my frustration is shared, made me feel not so alone in my anger, But then me and Lauren are very similar so its no wonder we felt the same..

That was so well put.

Andrew really calmd me down well. I got caught by a ticket inspector tonight while heading into brunswick to see my sister. Theres another 170 bucks i cant afford.Was really stressing and thought “ah fuck now its gonna be a shit nite”. But boy saved the day, kind of, just pointed out how long id been fare evading for and how long id gotten away with it and that I probs would have paid over 170bucks in fares anyway so wasnt really at a loss. Really put it in perspective. just kind of soothed me, him telling me that I cant do anything about it RIGHT now so dont worry. Sigh. He thinks logically for me when I just cant. Thanks Boy.

Have I gotten too attacthed? ive only been on this bus 10 minutes and I miss him already.

July 12.07

I need to put things in perspective.

What if boy and I broke up, have I let him in too much?

Have I already built myself around him subconciously?

I had a really good day going to work with him today, we went everywhere, and far away to places I would never have had gone to otherwise, whcih was fun, the light was back in my eyes.

What if that ends?

I need to know I am still me, I need to take my own advice that I gave sophie, If you stay true to yourself and do all the things you wanted to do all the while in the relationship, and are content and happy with who you are, then you wont feel so torn if/when it ends..