Fuck it, Lets go!
Thinking back to the start of the year, reminds me of times when I was happy to be spontaneous and accepting of events. So very glad I went with the flow and said YES to a lot more things than I would ussually have. I was previously held back, refined, in a routine, that i seriously needed to break. Do not regret at all what happened last October, it was meant to happen. It had to happen, to teach me to let go, so much has happened to me since October, such a small gap but so many significant things!! Tattoo, qld, woodford, single-ness, redecorating, creativity, meeting new people, new relationships, traveling to so many new beautiful places in vic, spur of the moment trips, becoming welcome in a new family…………….heaps…………..
highlight of the week, LOL! going to sexy land. made me laugh. all night. all because I was like ‘fuck it, lets go’
A lot of good things seem to follow that thought pattern for me….
6:41 am • 8 July 2011
I am so very excited and reassured after speaking to Jaz last night. The imaginary person I invented while we weren’t able to speak; one who ignored me and had forgotten me, isn’t and was never real. It felt like old times, albiet a slightly rushed convo as Boy was waiting for me to hurry up so that we could see Transformers 3, oh well, that way we both got a slice of selfishness in the night. Jaz’s world is very different than mine. She is adventurous, and random, and exciteable, everything that I believed I was but am slowly being overshadowed by Jaz for. When we are together we never let any plans simply be thought of in a wishful way, we got to the fucking point- let’s do it. Things are becoming real again, possibilities are being envisioned in a more reachable way than a ‘one day’ way. Jaz made it clear that she is in between jobs but has enough savings to not get a job til oct, or she could take a nannying offer, of which she has a few, but one particularly rich family in Notting Hill has offered an off-premisis residence position for 5 days a week and weekends off. It sounds perfect and I do hope she takes it, selfishly so that I can be staying in Notting Hill while there! But even if nothing comes of it Jaz has assured me that there is always going to be somewhere for us to stay - together. And that I shouldn’t worry about a thing. I have planned for otherwise, thanks to the smarts of a particular gentleman who is also out for my best interests, so if anything does go awry, I will have a plan. But jaz’s reassurance does feel nice after a long wave of stress. I am so very excited. I want it to hurry up already.
I’m so proud that I am doing this, proof that I won’t be like my mother.
9:54 pm • 4 July 2011
Flaws and all.
This boy is unbelievably good to me. Sometimes I zone out and forget, I feel like I am walking while asleep, I have come to expect the things he does, not appreciate them for the great individual acts that they are.
I hated myself for a moment yesterday. I was stresssed and in a rush and became the bitch that I was when I was with Sam. I didnt think about what I was saying or who I was saying it to, and how rude and distrespectful the words were. I forgot the goodness behind the situation, that HE had driven ME to southland to help ME buy MY laptop and then take ME home. And I just jumped in the car like thats what he was supposed to be doing. I need to remember how to appreciate. I have the look on his face burned into my mind, a look of discust and anger, one I have never seen directed at me from him, and it will not happen again. Wake up and look at what people do for you, nothing should be taken for granted, nothing. Nobody has to do anything for you, people chose to- and that choice alone should be appreciated.
4:04 am • 1 July 2011
Yes of course I will go street sign stealing with you!
4:04 am • 22 June 2011
Even after all this time,
The sun never says to the earth,
“you owe me”
Look what happens with a love like that.
It lights up the whole sky.
3:40 am • 22 June 2011
So im going to have a coffee with Ex in a half hour, and I need to work out why im so NERVOUS about it. Liek butterflys nervous. Like job interview nervous.
I want so much to bail. Though he knows I am free so I cant, and I bailed last minute last time, so…
Is it because I miss him?
I feel like he hates me, and is only going to be polite.
Im going to try so hard not to bring up all the shit that im not supposed to know about but do. We will not talk about girls, Or boys for that matter. No relationship talk, No ‘rememeber when..’ talk.
Mates. Be mates. Pretend he is someone you would NEVER want to get with.
wait. does that mean i want to get with him if i have to do that?
Fuck calm down, dont lie just to get out of there either, he can see through your lies, we went out for nearly 3 years of cource he can.
Why are we meeting up, he was another part of my life that has ended.
I feel like im going to vomit.
12:18 am • 22 June 2011
This photo makes me happy.
4:19 am • 17 June 2011
this photo makes me angry.
4:12 am • 17 June 2011
James Franco you are gorgous. Thats what I like in a man, someone who smiles all the time. And boy does he have a cute smile.
(Source: weheartit.com, via kellyselina)
12:25 am • 16 June 2011 • 1,475 notes
Leave it all, just go, work it out and just go. Resolve everything here, finish it all, tie it all off. That what i wish i could do.
I have too many things i think i will miss. I will definitly get lonely. I so want to just be spontaneous and stay there. But so many things are stopping me.
Money. Insecurity. Lack of knowledge. Boy. Mum. Accomodation.
I DO just want to pick up and go. And stay. I do.
I tried looking up how to get a visa. Fuckn scared me. Way too hard. dont even have enuf money for it lol
So much depends on how I will be feeling about a fortnight before I leave.
At least not many people will notice Im gone, if I do stay. I would need a lot of help. I dont want to be a burden to Jaz either.
12:22 am • 16 June 2011 • 484 notes