work can be so overwhelmingly stressful sometimes. Like now. i feel engulfed. it shows on my face. the nerves, the rush, the desperation. ever client can tell. my voice quivers when I’m talking to them about something that I once thought I knew about. I lose train of thought and repeat words a lot. I am clearly stressed. I basicly got told i need to sell more products, that i am letting the team down, not JUST me, but still, I was included.
wIt sounds insignificant but i cant think of anything else, and the more nervous and stressed I get about making money, the more it shows.
I thought when I started that THIS finally wasnt the pushy, sales driven sort of place that I hate, and that I wouldnt have to reach a target for the day I could just happily do my treatments, gain experience and sell an odd product to whoever needed and could afford them. Now we have MEETINGS about sales targets, and who isnt reaching par.
Its disheartening, because I am a good therapist. Im not THE best. i would like to be someday, with the right training and guidance. But Its not just about believing in yourself and knowing the products, I rarely get facials, maybe 4 a week, and then you have to be lucky that they arent there on a giftvoucher or just looking to be relaxed. I seem to be pretty unlucky, or just a shit sales person, because I hate sounding like that.
Whenever im at the hairdressers, i just WAIT until they put the hard sell on me, I KNOW its coming, i KNOW they have it planned and that they have to. I just dont want people to be thinking the same about me at the end of their treatment “Oh here she goes shes going to try and sell me something…”
I hate it.
Im going to a workshop that my ex-boss is running about how to reach sales targets and build confidence, Im nervous, what if i come out exactly the same and she has invested the time and moeny in me and it didnt work (my ex boss is waving the fee for the workshop which would normally be $400 for 2 days).
I am working tomorow again. I hope I can do it. I know i have at least 3 facials tomorow.
this is what i didnt want to be thinking about. money.
you cant love your job when youre worrying about making money.
Its been a big start to the year. An eventful nye party at a friends house, a lovely call to my sister and then a horrible hangover the following day which delayed our departure time to Coongulla until 3 pm lol
Upon arrival home from the trip I actually have time to reflect about everything that happened. A couple of bad fights with the boy, made me realise there can be a very different side to him, especially having given up smokes this week. It was a big test. The way he spoke tome and to his family was unexeptable from my view but probaly quite normal from his. he can be so rude and heartless and selfish sometimes. Like I am just another person to yell at, lumped in with the whole family and my feelings are disregarded, It put me in many awkward situations, especially 2 hours away from anywhere, and without a car, its not like I could move anywhere further than the couch. I nearly gave up.
His anger is hard to handle, and yes, there IS a way to handle it i have now learned.
We are mended now, through a very couragous act of andrews, he practically saved my life, or at least saved me from a lot of intense pain and months off work.
Our kayaking adventure went astray. He water was too wooly for our knowledge and we were inexperienced. Through my constant begging, he gave in and loaded us into the car with the kayaks, and after our arrival at mckalister river, the parents took the car with the intention of meeting us 5km down the river. Which never happened. We didnt make it 400m. Around the first corner was rapids, very subtle rapids, but for our inflatable rafts they may as well have been a tsunami. They forced us to a small part of the river, that was cluttered with branches and a large overthrown tree collapsed across the stream, water rushing underneath it and on to the rest of the river. It drew us in fast, even paddling backwards didnt help. And as soon as andrew got near it, it sucked his raft under it like a vaccumm and threw adrew under, he wraped his forearms around the massive log and pulled himself back out of the rapids to stop from being sucked under and hitting his head and drowning, which very nearly could have happened. He pulled himself up, and saw that i was coming towards the same thing happening, so he threw his oar onto land and stood up and caught me just as i tipped the raft and went to get sucked under, i kept saying “i cant get up, i cant do it” And then comes a big bear grasp and a rush of water and I’m standing up. we both got our footing and leant our backs up against the big trunk, and looked at each other just thinking “Fuck.”
He was very authorative and firm with what he was telling me to do, he told me to go left bank, around the trunk and stay in the calmer bits of the river where we were only hip deep in water, so i walker over rocks to the side and just waited, he went ahead of me and checked the deepness at each step. I was very scared at this point, andrew had hurt his arm and I was in shock. His kayak was on the right bank, being pushed by the current into some branches that had caught it there. i was about 7 or 8 m down from the main rapid, and so it hadnt calmed down a whole lot in the middle of the river, and we didnt know how deep it was. We both knew andrew had to get over there somehow to get his raft. It was so scary watching him cross the river, leaning into the radids with all his weight, even scarier that a 100kilo man was getting knocked around. As if we EVER could have taken on this river, I felt like a stupid fuck for begging and pushing and now andrew was hurt and in the middle of a river and we have no phones and no car and we certainly werent going to keep going the 5k down the river! Andrew got the raft, nearly lost footing a couple of times but made it back to me and we made the decision to try and walk back up the left back of the river, still in the water because there was no way onto land yet and we just waded up it very slowly and steadily till we got to some rocks on the bank, walked around the rapids, and up into the calmer part of the river where we started off, where we were first lulled into a false sense of security about the conditions that were to come.
We got back in our kayaks, now kept to the right bank of the river, and battled only the wind and current this time, that was pushing us back to the rapids. I got tired and my arms burned but andrew just said ‘dont stop paddling!”
We got into very calm waters around the bend, right under the bridge where we had started, and cruised on into the bank. We both kind of just waited there for a minute. I got out first. Then andrew. And trudged up the rocks.
Andrew said ” enough adventure for today?”
I felt like crying. It was my fault. And he was the one who took point and got us back without me loosing my head and crying and flailing. He knew he was a bit of a hero. We left the kayaks under the bridge and started the 40 minute walk back to coongulla. Thank god some good soul picked us up and we got home, got a friend to drive us 5kn down the road to where the parents were expecting us to come out. They were shocked to see us, but kind of laughed, and just guessed that it must not have been our day. We picked up the kayaks and ended up back home, andrew was on top of the world, and didnt even feel his arm hurting. I felt like a horrible team member, i played no part in getting us back, just caused more trouble.
We ended up playing a tennis game later on that day with his parents, it was ood to hear andrew saying, “well done!” ” nice one lucccccaaaayyyyy!” and all that. The scales were moderately evened out. pssshhh who a i kidding, he saved my life. He was telling me on the way home ” I dont wanna even think about what would have happened if you had gone first instead of me, I’d be picking you up in pieces, or worse” He got all cute and concerned for my safety. And he was saying “i love you” a LOT for the rest of the day. We are definitely all good now.:)
Just goes to show, you have to stick through the bad days.
It seems amazing to me that another year has already nearly ended. I feel disapointed to say i dont feel like i have DONE as much as i expected this year. I know sometimes i ask too much of myself, but i truly dont feel like this year’s end is due yet! I have not done much!
Actually, now that i have typed that down, i disagree with myself. Maybe a full year doesnt have to be determined by lots of MAJOR occurrences, just like my new tattoo syas, its the simple things, the little things,that count the most. So let me start again.
I started the year on a hill, drunk, without the sunset that I was promised,at a wonderful festival in brisbane, letting go of the previous years troubles and woes,a broken relationship, depression and a bad selfish attitude, and traveled home alone.I got a job at a salon and got fired for the first time. I got a wonderful new boyfriend, and experienced many things that come along with that. I got a shitty cafe job with bad hours to help launch me over to England in persuit of a good friend.I travelled overseas for the first time by myself, and saw amazing things, and learnt a LOT about myself, and that good friend. When i returned quit another job that had been spoiling my sundays for over a year, and got a new fabulous job close to home, i have got a gym membership again, and have a new guinea pig, and am still going strong with the new boy. We fight, but we are getting better at resolving things now. My relationship with one sister in particular is better, and am still just as good with the other one. Mum worries me everyday. And has all year. And will continue to forever. But I am better at blocking out my conscience nowdays and caring for myself.
Christmas is this Sunday. Another one. In the back of my mind I am counting how many we have had without the big man. I dont think that counting will ever go away. It gets to this time of year, when we (my family) should all be joyous and celebratory like the rest of the world. But the household has a sombre, dull feel to it this time of year, as if the house is thinking ‘just get it over with already’.
I want to get over this. I want my mum to get over this so I can stop feeling responsible for her, and responsible to be her company when shes lonely. I want a fresh new year, with LOTS of travel and growth and meaningful relationships instead of fake ones. I want to feel free from the constraints of a broken family. I want to be fit, I want to look and feel good, and I want to save lots of money, I dont want to settle for second best, I want to be strong in my opinions and I want monotonous days at home to end.
soo I havent posted propperly in a long time. and i dont know why, i just never felt the urge like i did before. Lots of things are bothering me right now. and that seems to be when I post the most. Because when people, real people, are sick of listening, tumblr will. Sad but true.
Im in a relationship with a guy. Hes great. and has been very good to me. Im so scared it will end up like my last one, because of me. Because of my speaking without thinking. I pretty much told him hes getting fat. And now he feels like he has to go for a run tonight with me.Now how would I take it if he said that to me? Im such a bitch sometimes, I just dont think how it effects someone.
And sometimes, OTHER people are exactly like this. Yes, not answering my calls or txts or emails WILL piss me off and cause me to be depressed and needy about it. How could they not know this? Is that what this person wants? Whats an asshole. You said you used to love me. But funnilly enough, we never dated. You cant love me if you dont know ALL of me…. Maybe he realised that and thats why he doesnt answer now…
fuck im so messed up with this.
I have a new job too. Its very rewarding already. I work with some real nice people and a super cool manager. I feel mature and trusted. I couldnt have gotten this job confidently if i hadnt had the previous shit jobs and experiences that I have. I jst wouldnt understand how things work, when to keep your mouth shut, and how to talk to public.And my back is aching after only 3 days of work, HERE GOES!!ALL OR NOTHING!
I have left my sunday job that i have had for 2 years, without any regrets, i needed to get out, My boss was so very different to me and working intimately with him every sunday was like a dreaded task that I had to mentally prepare myself for every week. Some weeks were better than others but I just cant work with depressive, snide, old people, who just want to live in the past and treat you like a child.
I am only workin every second sunday at the new place now, so I will have time to see my old cycling buddies. God i miss them all. So much. I just LOVED the feeling of having a gang, something that everyone commits to every week, for themselves and you, because we all love cycling, and talking! They are the coolest bunch of old guys I have. They dont replace my dad, but I like how they still talk about him sometimes and reminiss about when HE too used to ride with them, like hes still here, and its ok to talk about it in a cool casual way. Theyre all getting a bit old, and theyve been riding together for about 20 years. THAT is the kind of friends i want, people who stick together, and although you may not see them every sunday or every second sunday, you know theyre coming back, and that theyl be there with bells on when they return. Its a very cool quirky gang. Theres my uncle Rob and my uncle Alan, then Bobby the lawyer, and Ron who runs a hydraulics company, and Jon, and Tom who is retired I think, and Les who is also retired, and Harley who works as a cameraman, and then theres some randoms and friends of the gang who join on every once in a a while. I am rejoining the ride as of next sunday. With bells on.:)
Then the next worry is my mum. I feel like I have abandoned her sometimes. I worry that shes going to be all alone til she dies. She doesnt have many friends, all she really has is us kids. And i seem to stay at andrews a lot. she doesnt like that.and has only recently started telling me. I hate when she goes off to work and says goodbye with a sigh. like she hates that shes going but she has to make money to keep us kids afloat. I want her to go on a holiday or go out for tea or do SOMETHING other than work and play on the computer, but theres just no movement. Its a bit of a burden. Sonny makes her happy though, seeing how excited he is when she comes home, I think she likes that, I think she WAITS all day for that.
Speaking of which I have to take the little bugger for a walk.
Which I kind of love. Makes me feel like I’m going for a stroll with a friend, he knows EVERYTHING that im saying. No leash, just listens and follows and turns when I say turns or calms down when I say ’ Son its ok that dog was just barking coz hes jelous’ , hes a very smart puppy. And i dont look so alone when I walk with him.:)
for some reason while having a casual youtube scan i came across a video called ‘bastians birth’ and decided to watch. what a rookie move. now i Cant finnish my dinner OR stomach the thought of ever having kids…..gross.
Cheltenham is pretty fucking boring compared to…