Its so strange to think that something I craved, i now do not really worry about.
I was infatuated, even plagued, by thoughts of Andrew. and sometimes am still, but not like before. What does it mean? i dont NOT want to see him, but now its more of a feeling of i dont particularly care if i see him or not. i dont crave him.
Maybe this is just what happens when you get comfortable. Weve been very snappy lately, I almost ended things, but something kept us together, i dont know what i FEEL anymore. Its just so normal having him around.
it would be a shame if we broke up, because he fits in at my house so well and we would be such good mates if we werent dating.
So last night i went to have tea and drinks with my sis in northcote. I love going to see her, i feel like im on a bit of an adventure on the way, like im going to DO something and that makes me feel good, just knowing i have plans. What doesn’t make me feel good is knowing i have a deadline. And in truth, i did it to myself, I did ASK the boy if he would like to hang afterwards, but i never realized that the conversation me and Lauren would have would be so meaningful and fluid and make me not want to leave. When you get on a good roll who knows when a conversation like that comes around again. We spoke about mum and the anxiety both me sisters and me feel about the whole subject, we spoke about travel, and what we want in life, and whats holding us back, and friends, and crap friends, and lost friends and boys, and love, and mum, and work, and stress and dealing with stress, and mum. We swapped bars and went to a cute little place called Bar Etiquette, and went upstairs and to the window in this little deserted room that literally looked like someones lounge room, and just chatted. With lauren there’s no stress to get the ball rolling. I don’t feel like words NEED to be in the air, its comfortable in silence sometimes. And that’s the best thing of all. Andrew doesnt understand any of this.
Lauren said to me shes going to America and Europe for 3 months, it sounded so exciting! and nerve wracking, and expensive, but she will value more what she will learn over there, than any amount of money she might have hoarded had she not decided to go. And that really made sense to me. What might i be like now, and what might my views be, had i not gone to England and blew my money.
And then i thought, but wont you miss Carlos lauren? her boyfriend is a traveling musician in a band of 7, and will be in America and Europe for 4 months, so essentially they are having a bit of a break. Lauren said ’ well ill miss him, but this is what i want to do and you cant give that up because your with someone who just happens to not want to do that same thing. we will see how we go when we both get back, and yes i love him like crazy, but we will have to re-assess when we both see each other again. And it wil be hard, and i wont say im not going to cry myself to sleep a lot, but its an amazing oppertunity and im not going to pass it up. imagine who id be if i just followed him around.”
Made perfect sense to me. and they both seemed to be on the same page. you dont ask one person to give up something for the sake of you physically being together. Love and respect for each others needs and wants should transcend that barrier.
I got home, after a very nostalgic and painfully long train ride, and met andrew at the station, i apologized for running an hour late but the conversation was too good, and surprisingly he saw how stressed i already was and said ‘hey it ok dont worry’ and was quite genuine.
we got into bed and i wanted to share what had happened. I was telling him bits and pieces of what lauren and i said. I said to him, ‘if i ever wanted to travel, that doesn’t mean i dont love you.’ and in my head it made perfect sense to me, and wasnt offensive or like i was breaking up with him, or even like it sounded like i would travel soon; just a bit of info.
but it wasn’t that to Andrew, he got quite angry and confused and said well no i disagree and was quite stern and said ‘what EXACTLY are you saying’ i was confused, i thought it was pretty clear..
but her got hffy and rolled over and i was confused as to why he wasnt ok with this? i asked him ‘do you not want me to travel or to do the things I dreampt of before we were together?’ just really honest, to see where he stood.
and he said ‘well no to tell you the truth i cant say id be too happy if you were to disapear for 3 or 4 months, i think its stupid and careless and you dont really need to, but you do whatever you want (huff and rolls over).”
he said he thinks i wa brainwashed by lauren and her free attitude, and that i ‘am always like this when you come home from brunswick’
he got angry for bringing it up so late and guilted me with the knowledge that he had to get up for work in five hours. ’ thanks’ he said.
i was shocked. who is this in my bed?
stupid me. ended up appologising and saying its ok go to sleep, and hugging him, just so i didnt have to sleep in a confrontational bed.
dealing with the public sucks. i was so crushed the other night by something a client of mine said that i conidered, if only for a second, to change industries and get the fuck out of beauty.
how can people be so heartless with what they say. I am a good massage therpist, and it shows by how many return request clients i get every week, JUST for massage. This one lady was shitty and didnt think about the impact of what she was going to say before she said it, like i was just a servent, not a person, and my feelings wouldnt be effected. like any good therepist i responded professionally and let the client win as they always must. but i had to leave the room and run to the staff room shaking and call andrew as to what my next plan of action should be, as my mind wasnt letting me think at all about anything other than ’ you are a shit therapist’.
Another therapist had to go back in to finish her treatment, as i was obviously inadequate.
i took it hard and am still having nightmares about the situation. but am slowly getting over it. how dare she. its no ones right to fuck with someone elses self esteem, on purpose. get off your high horse and look around, people are trying to do their bloody best for you. People who are in the public service industry know what i am talking about. People, be polite, be patient, if you can, and HELP the person to do BETTER, not give up altogether.
Now, I am not a bad massage therepist, i have a lot more to learn thats for sure, but i enjoy the pain of massaging someone, because yes, it IS painful for me, but i battle through to give you people your relief. I wasnt to be respected, not treated stupidly and rudely because I am ‘young’.
This lady in question has hurt me, but im sure she went home that night, and knew that, and pondered on that, and felt bad about that, and regretted that, and when she comes back into the salon for her next treatment, i will not look at her. I will let her subtly know she has lost the respect of one more person in the world, and I will refuse to do another treatment on her, be it massage or anything else, and politely put her with someone else. To let her know, SHE is not good enough to be worked on by me. and she will be at a loss, not me.
I guilt people, particularly boyfriends, when they can’t hang.
I get really moody.
I give up on important conversations, and jus zone out some times.
I get anxiety over nothing.
I’m needy. I hate showing it though so i rebel against the feeling and seclude myself, which makes me depressed. And needy.
I am up when Im doing well at work and happy, and down and pessimistic otherwise. This leads me to hate work.
And spend 3 days a week at home, rather than commiting full time and going the real world.
I stress about how others see me. I want to be myself and not care but deep down I care about everything, it’s only rarely when I’m on holidays or traveling that I get to forget about everyone I know and what they think, and the anxiety is gone.
I forget things. A lot. As my bf often reminds me.
I over think things.
I can’t make decisions by myself, I need other variables to stear me towards something. I feel trapped by this. The need to make everyone else happy before I care for myself and what I want to do and where I really want to go.
I regret things. For a long time.
I remember fights, and play them over in my head, many times.
I think too much about loss. And the people I’ve lost. And the family I’ve lost, and the people who I’m going to lose.
Which makes me either feel really alone and grasp for attention, or run away from caring about those people and just segregate myself to forget.
I want too much. And don’t know how to get it. Because im lazy.
I hate love. And love it.
I hate Andrew. And love him.
I get depressed to much.
When I hear a car pull up, I assume. And I shouldnt. Because when the person inside it is not here for me, my heart drops.
I zone out. I have patches of the day where I have no thoughts and am so dull I could bore the grass.
And at nighttime I talk in my sleep. To clients. Because work gives me anxiety.
Anxiety that their brows will turn out alright, anxiety that they will like their spray tan, anxiety that they will come back and complain and ask for their money back, anxiety that in their head they are thinking ‘here she goes, she’s gonna try and sell me something”
I am impulsive. If I don’t want to talk anymore, I have to get off the phone NOW, and will usually be so angry il tell people. Which is rude. But I find it hard to care about how people feel when I truly am angry at someone.
I am often reminded of lists of other flaws I have, by a certain someone, but these are the ones I will own up to. Thank you for making my night wonderful Andrew. Grr.
I’ll hold your hand when you are feelin’ mad at me
When the monsters they won’t go
And your windows won’t close, I’ll pretend to see what you see How long I say how longWill you relive the things that are gone
Oh yeah the devil’s on your backBut I know you can shake him off
And every day that you want to waste, That you want to waste,You can
And every day that you want to wake up, And you want to wake,You can
And every day that you want to change,That you want to change,YeahI’ll help you see it through‘Cause I just really wanna be with you
You know it’s funny how freedomCan make us feel contained
When the muscles in our legs aren’t used to all the walkin’ I know if you could snap both your fingersthen you’d escape with me ,But in the meantime I’ll just wait here and listen to you when you speakOr scream
The truth cuts usAnd pulls us back up
And separates the things that look the same
But you can fight it off, You can fight it off,You can And every day that you want to waste,That you want to waste,You can
And every day that you want to wake up,And you want to wake,You can
And every day that you want to change,That you want to change ,YeahI’ll help you see it through‘Cause I just really wanna be with you
What do you do when you have secluded yourself so much, how do you get back out there? How do you get back into what you used to love?
I always do this. Devote myself too much to one person, and when they’re gone, a part of me is too. I said I wouldn’t do this but he is all I want to see.
He makes things better when they’re shit, he’s an outlet.
And he also shits me up the fuckn wall. But what else do I have. I have done this to myself.
I always get way to excited about things, and then when they actually eventuate, the excitement is better than the event or thing. Its a bad habit of mine. Just like me over analyzing every situation. Does this look good? what will people think? how do i act more professional, maybe i should LOOK like everyone else? Does she hate me? Do we still click? Does he even care? Why does my best friend never call me, its always the other way around.is it me?
Which party to go to? Will i be hated if i don’t go to both? Can i just go to neither? No, of cource you cant lucy, you know how guilt works. Should i get a phone plan? then im stuck, and HAVE to keep a job, I cant just piss off around aus or another country for a bit. Am i just a copycat? Why do i feel slightly better when I have something everyone has, and i fit in, when I actually loathe conformity?
So infatuated right now. I just want to see him all the time, and talk to him, and hold his attention. Maybe its the hormones. Who knows. It will sound like a total girly thing to say, but when this boy smiles, like genuinely smiles, just at me, or because of something ive done, or because im being a tool, or because hes really excited about something, it makes me MELT. i just want to GRAB him! be close to him! hes MINE! gosh i sound like a fucking girl.
Were in a good place at the moment. In love again.
Missing jazzy a lot. England is so far away. Its so far logisticly, and even in my mind, its a whole other world, a whole other part of my life. I miss is, but i love australia, and andrew. ive been thinking that id really just like to live there for 6 months. I told andrew this and just said ‘theres no way we could be together if I went’ which he took pretty well and just said he wants me to do everything that I want to do.
I want to travel with him. anywhere. just going through the same stresses, the same excitement, the same discoveries. would be amazing. making decisions together, where to camp, what to eat, what night things to go to, where to go next. Im excited just thinking about it. I feel i will be waiting a while though, hes not in a place to travel.. or wont be for 4 years. Sad face. how dedicated am I? How grounded am I? How much am I willing to give up?
Love is amazing, but I still do feel the need to explore and be free. Feeling much like another good friend of mine felt once upon a time. You want to stay because its so good, but theres so much else to be had!
Just very happy at the moment. I have a party this weekend, getting a spray tan tonight, and tinting my hair lilac, have ordered a new iphone, and a cool cover for it, and also getting hair extentions for the first time, so not like me! I sound like a total materialistic barbie in that last paragraphh, but i feel like its fun to have a few knick knacks under my belt, a show of all my hard work at the salon, and also staying grounded with my friends and my eldest sister and jazzy and andrew:)