So angry that things never work out how I plan them. It was supposed to be a romanic weekend alone and away from family and all that shit, and now because of andrews mum we can’t go, ’ because she says so’
It’s bullshit. So I offer to pay a last minute hotel booking overlooking Albert park with breakie included and he turns it down! Why!! I just want to be away from everyone and everything and pretend nothing else exists for a little while! Even though I have to come back to reality sooner or later.
I have so much pent up anger and anxiety over so much shit a getaway was just what I needed, and now it’s not happening. I don’t care how much shit costs! This is desperate! Fuck this
Who cares what people LOOK like.I realise I am in the beauty industry, but i dont consider what I do beauty. I consider it health and caring about yourself, you dont go pamper yourself so that you look great always, you do it because you FEEL shit, or you FEEL like you need to be cared for, or you FEEL like talking to someone, there is a reason the other half of my job title is ‘Therapist’. Beauty is whatever you want it to be and whatever makes you FEEL good.
If something doesnt look beautiful to you, doesnt mean it isnt to someone else. Be careful with how you tell people this. I was at the hairdressers the other day for a root touch up and my hair was draped behind my back when i walked in, i said ‘can you fix this?’ and pointed to my roots, she reached over the counter and grabbed my hair and looked at it and said ’ sure we can oh god who did this to you??’ inclining not towards my roots, but towards the pink and purple in the bottom of my hair. I was very offended. i said ’ i meant the roots, and it was me who did this’
She was imedietly took it back.
Same issue with tattoos. ive been thinking a lot about this lately, and even though there are so many horrible tattoos out there, I have no right to point it out. They may love it! it becomes a part of your body and who you are! no one would dare say ‘whoa you have really big saggy boobs!’ So why notice things and point it out in a negative light! Some things are meant to be kept to yourself.
Went to speak to teneille at Korpus tattoo today, great artist, she remembered me immediately when I walked in which was so nice and she remembered exactly what she did on me. We talked about the tat, and she seemed pretty confident, I told her to personalize it herself, if I have TOO much control I just get really picky. I’m nervous. But she booked me in. She’s such an amazing artist she couldn’t fit me til sept! Which is fine coz I’m travelling anyway. I’m excited. Deposit paid, can’t back out, yippee!
Gahjhj fucckkkkk! I am such a DICK! I caught the train and then a tram all the way to Lauren’s in Thornburry, had tea said bye caught the tram back to parliament station which was a 30 min trip, an then went to get my ticket out… And my wallet is at Lauren’s. FUCKKkkkkkkk!!!! Thats a 30 min trip back, AND a 30 min trip back to parliament! Gahhhdjdkdkbd! I’m such a fuckn idiot!!
And THEN a 40 min train ride home an 10 min walk to my house! I added an hour and a half to my trip! Fucckkkkk! And thats not to mention the waiting in between each trip! Nothing ever intersects perfectly or runs on time, MORE waiting! Fuck this!!! I am ready to pay for a cab to just get me home comfortably. My mind is going to explode.
Im feeling a new tat coming on.
Dont know how to feel about thismornings antics. andrews family business is surely his own business, but if im in the room, i cant ignore how he acts. and how he acted very very poorly to his mother. surely that reflects upon his character, someone who could do that to their mum? and say things like that to their mum? i cant pretend i didnt hear them or see it, and though it wasnt directed at me, it still makes me think ‘what if one day it IS directed at me?’
This person who has loved him and carried him and sheltered him and given so much to him, how can he talk to her like that? I was literally scared, and i just dont think youre every supposed to see your partner in that light..
i know what everyone else will say. Im trying to see his side. but really there is no justifying taking your anger out like that.
Something has come to my attention.
my feelings have changed.
Its so strange to think that something I craved, i now do not really worry about.
I was infatuated, even plagued, by thoughts of Andrew. and sometimes am still, but not like before. What does it mean? i dont NOT want to see him, but now its more of a feeling of i dont particularly care if i see him or not. i dont crave him.
Maybe this is just what happens when you get comfortable. Weve been very snappy lately, I almost ended things, but something kept us together, i dont know what i FEEL anymore. Its just so normal having him around.
it would be a shame if we broke up, because he fits in at my house so well and we would be such good mates if we werent dating.
gah stop thinking too much.
hate the pose, love the hair
So last night i went to have tea and drinks with my sis in northcote. I love going to see her, i feel like im on a bit of an adventure on the way, like im going to DO something and that makes me feel good, just knowing i have plans. What doesn’t make me feel good is knowing i have a deadline. And in truth, i did it to myself, I did ASK the boy if he would like to hang afterwards, but i never realized that the conversation me and Lauren would have would be so meaningful and fluid and make me not want to leave. When you get on a good roll who knows when a conversation like that comes around again. We spoke about mum and the anxiety both me sisters and me feel about the whole subject, we spoke about travel, and what we want in life, and whats holding us back, and friends, and crap friends, and lost friends and boys, and love, and mum, and work, and stress and dealing with stress, and mum. We swapped bars and went to a cute little place called Bar Etiquette, and went upstairs and to the window in this little deserted room that literally looked like someones lounge room, and just chatted. With lauren there’s no stress to get the ball rolling. I don’t feel like words NEED to be in the air, its comfortable in silence sometimes. And that’s the best thing of all. Andrew doesnt understand any of this.
Lauren said to me shes going to America and Europe for 3 months, it sounded so exciting! and nerve wracking, and expensive, but she will value more what she will learn over there, than any amount of money she might have hoarded had she not decided to go. And that really made sense to me. What might i be like now, and what might my views be, had i not gone to England and blew my money.
And then i thought, but wont you miss Carlos lauren? her boyfriend is a traveling musician in a band of 7, and will be in America and Europe for 4 months, so essentially they are having a bit of a break. Lauren said ’ well ill miss him, but this is what i want to do and you cant give that up because your with someone who just happens to not want to do that same thing. we will see how we go when we both get back, and yes i love him like crazy, but we will have to re-assess when we both see each other again. And it wil be hard, and i wont say im not going to cry myself to sleep a lot, but its an amazing oppertunity and im not going to pass it up. imagine who id be if i just followed him around.”
Made perfect sense to me. and they both seemed to be on the same page. you dont ask one person to give up something for the sake of you physically being together. Love and respect for each others needs and wants should transcend that barrier.
I got home, after a very nostalgic and painfully long train ride, and met andrew at the station, i apologized for running an hour late but the conversation was too good, and surprisingly he saw how stressed i already was and said ‘hey it ok dont worry’ and was quite genuine.
we got into bed and i wanted to share what had happened. I was telling him bits and pieces of what lauren and i said. I said to him, ‘if i ever wanted to travel, that doesn’t mean i dont love you.’ and in my head it made perfect sense to me, and wasnt offensive or like i was breaking up with him, or even like it sounded like i would travel soon; just a bit of info.
but it wasn’t that to Andrew, he got quite angry and confused and said well no i disagree and was quite stern and said ‘what EXACTLY are you saying’ i was confused, i thought it was pretty clear..
but her got hffy and rolled over and i was confused as to why he wasnt ok with this? i asked him ‘do you not want me to travel or to do the things I dreampt of before we were together?’ just really honest, to see where he stood.
and he said ‘well no to tell you the truth i cant say id be too happy if you were to disapear for 3 or 4 months, i think its stupid and careless and you dont really need to, but you do whatever you want (huff and rolls over).”
he said he thinks i wa brainwashed by lauren and her free attitude, and that i ‘am always like this when you come home from brunswick’
he got angry for bringing it up so late and guilted me with the knowledge that he had to get up for work in five hours. ’ thanks’ he said.
i was shocked. who is this in my bed?
stupid me. ended up appologising and saying its ok go to sleep, and hugging him, just so i didnt have to sleep in a confrontational bed.
Im a wuss. Now im so confused.