Just be children for a while.
Fucking connecting with this song right now.
$61………….. Garage Sale Fail
So fucking angry, everyone has their own fucking hidden agenda. Fuck.
Erin Wasson. Beautiful
nights in london. free. oblivious. adventure. with the only person I want to see right now. soon. London.
What a wonderful night, a roast dinner at home, a cruisy chatty drive to acland street, a late coffee and cake, jumping into a warm bed, and then having your boyfriend say “yay we got to bed early! now i can talk to you for an hour before sleep” Like we hadnt just been talkn n joking all night already! i think he just wanted a little bit more of my attention, seeing as were on pretty damn good ground at the moment. Such a change from the other night, yet thats always how it seems to be, when forced to decide what you really wqnt to hold onto, you can shift the whole world in a moment if you decide you have to. I changed my mood, and took a night off from boy, and got back on the bike- twice, and got on with being who I WANT to be.
I love cuddling after lights out. I started to drift off a bit, boy was cuddling me, and we were talking about something, i forget what, something random, then things got quiet, and his lips were at my ear, it felt like… just…peace.
I said something bold. The words sounded so real when they left my mouth. Because they actually were. I even suprised myself. I have never EVER felt like this with a person. It took another very lovely lady letting me know her envy of my situation to realise just how good my situation really was. And I just had to share it, I had to say te biggest words I could, the words I was so terrified to say, to let him know how freakn important he is to me. The day was nothing special, I was not like I had been planning it, or waiting for the ‘right time’… it just came out.
To anyone who really knows me, you will understand how much the words scared me.
I will only say them when I feel I truly can justify saying them. They are big words. And mean a lot more than the love you feel for someone, they are an indication also of my OWN fears being let go, so i can only say them too when I am feeling fearless.
He hugged me tight, and then tighter. I love his hugs. So genuine. Not to be taken for granted. I am so happy to wait for times like these, when he hugs me THAT tight.
I sound so mushy and romantic, but it was just so simple and genuine, all because it was so unplanned, or un thought of. No expecations were crushed because I had made none. It was near perfect.
And then what a horrible moment for me to start coughing and spluttering, damn sickness, ruined the mood lol, I turned the light on and sat up and he rubbed my back to help.
He told me to leave the light on, he said he liked looking at me, and that he wanted to remember what I looked like just then. pretty simple. just honest and simple.
So I did, and we cuddled, and then he sat up over me and held my face and kind of just stared at me. It was very cute.
But I had to laugh.
It was just,like, so movie-like!but absolutely real, he wasnt faking it or doing it because he wanted me to think he was all romantic. I stopped laughing.
I think we were both just pretty damn happy. And I’m ok that he didnt say it back, thats not what I was out for, only to let him know how important he is and how much I admire him and that is all. And just like that, it was light out, and off to sleep, playing spoons again. Out of all cuttlery, I love spoons the most now.
Thankyou boy for this wonderful memory.
I don’t knwo what to make of last night. I feel so horrible and embarassed at the thought of it. Boy and I went to gold class at southland to see a movie, all was well I thought. We held hands, we kissed hands.
We walked home, and apparently on the way I was being a big bitch, I don’t reca how, and neither could he, he said he just felt it. So we came to a halt out the front of my house to talk about thongs, yes we had been bickering that morning.
I don’t have the brain capacity to write this fully right now. Just so bummed and depressed.
I’m becoming less perfect to him every day that were together.
I need to sort my own head out first. Before I inflict my bad mood and feelings upon him
again. He doesn’t HAVE to listen to me, he chose to, and now it’s bumming him, so hold it in.
Thismorning has already been so stressful, it wouldn’t have been so hard with a bit of communication! It’s 6 months today since I asked Andrew out, and thismorning he was suposed to be in cranny by 750 am so I decided that I would just have to get ready for work at home and walk to the bus stop by the same time. Of cource,this didn’t work due to Andrews lazyness in the morning, there’s no ‘get up an go! ’ attitude here! It was very stressful watching him do everything so lazily and casually when I KNOW he can make food and scoff it within 5 minutes! So the plan was wake up at 650 and get out of the house by 710 so that I could be home by 720 and then have 30 mins to do what I needed AND make the ten min walk to the bus stop and be there calmly and on time. We didn’t leave the house til 738. So frustating. And Andrew blamed EVERYONE but himself. Which I hate. When you’re wrong just take the fucking blame! Thismorning was not how I would have liked our 1st major anniversary to be, bickering in the car. Hopefully we can make it better tonight. I will be staying at mine. No way that I am going to be stressed trying to get to work tomorow! I hve to take control and do what I KNOW is right not what I just want to do. I have 4 weeks til I leave, I need as much money and as little stress as I possibly can. Today will be a good day, just smile and get on with it:)
I need to talk to someone. A councellor or something. I have to do this do not chicken out.